06 November 2008

Bran Blowing Out Your Butt

Turning 40, my doctor gave me the wake up call. Eat less salt, exercise, more fiber. So, I watch salt on the labels and exercise. Fiber! I eat fiber. Apparently I can eat a lot more. Friend Matt turns me onto a miracle fiber powder called psyllium. Husks from the seed of "plantago ovato." It's basically a super-powered fiber laxative like Metamucil. Taken in great quantities, it will make you lose weight.

Like every nature based products' marketing will tell you, it also makes you shed "toxins." I don't go for the "toxins" line of bull. Intestines constantly move stuff out, the liver and kidneys convert poisons. Maybe... maybe fat stores toxins when the liver can't deal with the load of work. Trace.

So I took some. I'm a skeptic no more. I can personally attest to its' rocket powered effects.

Here's a list of the things that came out of my ass:

- unopened jar of kosher borscht beets, label intact and in mint condition

- "My Little Pony" plastic action figure horse with blue hair mane and tiny comb

- 1940 buffalo nickel (grandpa chided me for losing it)

- Fender Telecaster (some of the strings are rusted and need replacing) I know a guy if you want to tune it.

- 3 month old kitten, brown in color

- 15 ounces of Nutrasweet in the shape of 'Che' Guevara

- "Who Farted?" bumper sticker, wax paper backing intact

As you can see, I'm a happy customer to get all that out of my system. I'm going to make a killing on Ebay!

3 comments:

julie said...

oh, psyllium husk! no good turn is ever left unpunished, eh tom? the contents of your innards is excellent and not entirely unexpected. what i'm wondering is... you didn't see my youth in there with those other blown out items, did you? i can't seem to find it anywhere. thanks in advance, j.

Tom Baumgartner said...

Believe it or not, there is a part of me that wishes it were knee deep in diapers and Cheerios on the floor. Simple fickle twists of fate make life. I have enough immaturity to spare. You can have some.

So, with some cleaning up, more research and adding English terms like "bottom" and "backside" you think I have enough here to guest appear on your food blog?

julie said...

tom. email me at my email address and yes, you too can guest host my food blog. it's a great idea. and perfectly timed as i'm frequently dried out in terms of inspiration, surrounded by uneaten pasta and peas, chicken nuggets o'plenty and people who never sleep. bring it!